I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
