Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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