dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
