Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
