did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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