seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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