She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize