but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I want her autograph on my taint
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
