i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
