I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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