THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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