where am i from again
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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