I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
