just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
