it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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