Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
