the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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