Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
