Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
