so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
