I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
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Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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