Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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