Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
