Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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