I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
