im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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