Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
