There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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