I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
