I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i barfeds in our rink
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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