Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
