Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
