i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
