i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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