Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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