i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize