I feel like I'm in dance class right now
everyone is single if you try hard enough
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
