my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
