haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
