He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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