It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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