My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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