And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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