Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
