I puked a lego.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
