How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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