So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
