well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I am midnight drunk by noon
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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