My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
