Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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