God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
