You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
