i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
