The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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