Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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